100+ Dirty Jokes for Her That are Actually Funny

Written by Ryan Cross

Here are 100+ dirty jokes for her with you can make women smile and turn the conversation into more exciting topics, like sex, relationships, and men and women in general. Though there are many great ones here, my advice is to use them sparingly with girls.

 

Click the categories to navigate among the different types of sex jokes for her:

What's The Difference

Classic Sex Jokes

Girlfriend Jokes

Dirty Pun Jokes

Bait & Switch

WTF Dirty Jokes

What’s The Difference Dirty Jokes for Her

“What’s the difference” kind of dirty jokes are great because they add a playful element to the conversation, and with some of these jokes, you can escalate the conversation to more sexual directions. 

 

Q: What’s the difference between a girl and a washing machine?

A: When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn’t follow him around

 

Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb

 

Q: What’s the difference between a man’s dick and a bonus check? 

A: Someone’s always willing to blow his bonus.

 

Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? 

A: By the taste.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? 

A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a man and a margarita? 

A: A margarita hits the spot every time.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? 

A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a sl*t? 

A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? 

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 

 

Q: What’s the difference between you and the refrigerator? 

A: The refrigerator doesn’t moan when I put my meat in it. 

 

Q: What’s the difference between Covid and your legs? 

A: I don’t want Covid to spread. 

 

Q: What’s the difference between you and a pair of glasses? 

A: Glasses seem to fit higher on my face. 

 

Q: What’s the difference between you and an egg?

A: An egg gets laid. 

Classic Sex Jokes

These are the oldest, most common sexual jokes you can tell a girl or anybody else.

 

Q: What’s long, hard, and full of seamen? 

A: A submarine

 

Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? 

A: A tearjerker.

 

Q: How is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hopefully no multiplying.

 

Q: How is sex like a game of bridge? 

A: If a guy has a great hand, he doesn’t need a partner.

 

Q: What do prostitutes and bungee jumping have in common? 

A: They both cost $100, and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

 

Q: What do boobs and toys have in common? 

A: They were both originally made for kids, but daddies and up playing with them.

 

Q: What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? 

A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

 

Q: What do a screen door and a sl*t have in common? 

A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

 

Q: Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? 

A: You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride.

 

Q: What do you get when you screw a textbook?

 A: A D in math.

 

Q: How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

 A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

 

Q: Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

 

Q: What do a woman and a bar have in common? 

A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

 

Q: Want to know how to fit 71 people in the car? 

A: 2 in the front while we handle 69 in the back. 

 

Q: What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common? 

A: They can both smell it but can’t eat it. 

 

Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? 

A: The Head nurse

 

Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world? 

A: Even thoughts can raise them.

 

Q: What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self-advertising? 

A: A shameless plug.

 

Q: What is a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate? 

A: Miracle whip

 

Q: What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? 

A: A trip without kids.

 

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

(Ex)Girlfriend and Wife Dirty Jokes for Her

The eternal conflict between the sexes is one of the main humor sources of stand-up comedy. Men and women think differently about sex, marriage, relationship, and each other’s characteristics, resulting in some funny jokes.

 

My ex-girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

 

My ex-girlfriend caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer and asked what I was doing. – Apparently, “heating your dinner” wasn’t a good answer.

 

My ex-wife told me sex is better on holiday, that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

 

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a job? 

A: After five years, the job still sucks.

 

Q: How do you make a girlfriend scream during sex? 

A: Call and tell her about it.

 

My ex-girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?”

 

My ex-girlfriend suggested we should try some role reversal in bed, so I told her I had a headache.

 

Q: What is the definition of making love? 

A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.

 

Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? 

A: Bingo!

 

Q: How are men like cement? 

A: After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

 

Q: What have men and spray paint in common? 

A: One squeeze, and they’re all over you.

 

Q: What’s the definition of love, true love, and showing off? 

A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

 

Q: Why does a mermaid wear seashells? 

A: Because she outgrew her B-shells!

 

Q: Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? 

A: Ken came in another box.

 

Q: Boyfriend: “Want a quickie?”

 A: Girlfriend: “As opposed to what?”

 

Q: What do a boyfriend and a spider have in common? 

A: Women always exaggerate how big it is. 

 

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”

 

Q: What do a girlfriend and a pool have in common? 

A: They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them. 

Dirty Pun Jokes for Her

I’m more like a situational joke kind of guy, but if I had to choose between the types of dirty jokes for women, I would pick puns because the good ones are not only funny but also quite clever.

 

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

 

I’m trying to finish writing a script for an adult film. But there are just too many holes in the plot.

 

Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants? 

A: He heard the snowblowers around the corner.

 

Sex with three people is called a threesome. Sex with two people is called a twosome. That explains why they call me handsome.

 

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach? – It’s not hard.

 

Q: How is life like a penis?

A: A girlfriend makes it hard.

 

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? 

A: He only comes once a year.

 

Q: Did you hear the slogan for the new Stealth Condom? 

A: They’ll never see you coming.

 

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? 

A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

 

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

 

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

 

Q: How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?

A: They have a sex drive.

 

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

 

Q: What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? 

A: “Thanks for coming!”

 

My ex-girlfriend asked me if I smoked after sex. I said I hadn’t looked.

 

I just had sex in an elevator. It was great on so many levels.

 

After a decade, the police are still in pursuit of the Viagra thief. He’s just so hard to catch.

 

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex. It’s been a long time coming!

 

Constipation is such a pain in the ass.

 

Q: What does a robot do after a one-night stand? 

A: Nuts and bolts. 

 

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!

 

Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? 

A: They are both meat substitutes!

Sexual Bait & Switch Jokes for Her

Bait & Switch jokes can be very powerful because they make women think about sex, while, in fact, you refer to something absolutely non-sex-related. Or they are about indeed sex, but in a different way, they might have thought.

 

Q: What’s about 6 inches long, is found in a man’s pants, and some women get so excited over it that they often blow it? 

A: A $100 bill.

 

If a woman sleeps with ten men, she’s a slut, but if a man does it, he is definitely gay.

 

Q: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? 

A: Talk.

 

Q: What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm? 

A: He is usually home with the kids!

 

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

 

Q: What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? 

A: A chewing gum!

 

Q: What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?

 A: A liar.

 

Q: When should condoms be used?

A: Every conceivable occasion.

 

Sex on TV can’t hurt… Unless you fall off.

 

Q: What starts with d and ends with ick? 

A: Drumstick. 

 

Q: What stays moist when you tie up its legs? 

A: A turkey. 

 

Q: Every man has one. It feels great when you blow it, and if you’re not careful, it may drip. What is it? 

A: A nose. 

 

Q: What do you think I should do if I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body? 

Her: I don’t know. 

A: I think I should pull it out.

 

Q: What is 6 inches and leaves a white mess all over your face? 

A: A toothbrush.

 

Q: What belongs to you but gets used by everyone else more than you? 

A: Your name.

 

 

WTF Dirty Jokes for Her

Finally, here are a few over-the-top jokes for her that are either too gross or so bad that they are actually quite good. 

 

Q: What’s the best waterslide for kids? 

A: Your throat. 

 

They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

 

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 

A: Because his wife died!

 

Life is like a penis. Often hard for no reason!

 

Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? 

A: For fingering a minor.

 

Q: What do you do when a woman’s choking? 

A: Back up a few inches.

 

Q: How is a woman like a road? 

A: Both have manholes.

 

Q: What did the leper tell the prostitute? 

A: Keep the tip.

 

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? 

A: They couldn’t close his casket.

 

Q: What do you call ball’s on your chin? 

A: A dick in your mouth!

 

Q: What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? 

A: Finding out it was traced.