How to Text a Girl You Know – the complete guide to get her

Written by Ryan Cross

If you are talking to someone and you’re unsure how to text a girl you know, you are at the right place. There are many ways to screw up with your colleague, schoolmate, or the girl from your social circle, but the good news is that you have way more chances to go out with someone who already knows you. 

It’s because there are mutual topics to talk about, and also, you don’t have to build up trust and comfort from the bottom because she probably knows you as well and can ask about you from her friends. Essentially, you just have to approach someone you already know a bit differently than others.


So, how do you text a girl you know?

Find an excuse to text her that is related to both you and her. It can be a question about her current job, hobbies, interests, or studies you want to know more about. Tell her why you asked her about this subject, then talk about 2-3 follow-up topics. Slowly build up an engaging conversation and ask her out.

How to text a girl you know?

While there is no definitive answer to how to text a girl you know, there are practical tips that can increase your chances. I’ll show you these tips, but before anything else, here’s the first advice:

Don’t rush!

Making advances on a girl you know is very different and sometimes trickier than texting a random girl on Tinder. The most obvious characteristic of texting a girl you already know from somewhere is that you have to take it slower most of the time.

You can and should be quick on a dating platform if you want to date women there. You can take risks, challenge, and tease women on Tinder, but if you know a girl from school, work, or your social circle, then this is a whole different story.

Find an excuse to text her

Before you text a girl, find out some information about her that is somehow related to you. For example, if you and her went to the same high school, then great: you have plenty of common stories and friends. If she is your colleague, you have many other co-workers, bosses, events, and projects to talk about.

I’ve got bad and good news. The bad news is that a somewhat experienced woman knows you have ulterior motives for texting her. The good news is that if she likes you, she will play along and act as if you just texted her for a piece of information.

Ask yourself: how long do I know this girl? Did we talk in person? Does she know who I am? If yes, how long does she know me? Based on the answers, you should categorize yourself into three different groups:


  1. You haven’t seen her for a while
  2. You see her every day but have never talked to her in person
  3. You have talked to her recently in person


We talk about each category because you should take different approaches in different situations.

If you haven’t seen her for a while

Not gonna lie; this can be the toughest one. Chances are, you don’t know whether she is dating someone or not. And even if she isn’t, the first message can come off as weird if you appear out of the blue to ask something irrelevant. 

However, on the other side, if she isn’t part of your everyday life, chances are you don’t have many mutual friends, so you have more freedom to choose your first message.

Here’s a caveat: usually, the first message makes or breaks the relationship. Sometimes women won’t even text you back because they are dating someone or never considered you a potential dating partner. Still, you can significantly improve your chances, but there’s no silver bullet.


How to text a girl you know but haven’t seen for a while?

When I text a girl, I know from somewhere, but I’m not sure she remembers me or knows who I am, I always introduce myself and explain why I texted her. This is crucial. If you don’t have a solid excuse to text her, you may seem weird. The other important thing is complimenting her: a cute compliment makes women text back even if they aren’t interested initially.


Introduction + Excuse + Compliment + Question

Hey Katie, I’m Ryan from the grammar school. I saw you went on a holiday to Cuba, and my friends and I plan to do the same. You seemed super happy (and cute) in your photos, so I just wanted to ask you about the trip.


If she is good with asking her a bunch of questions, then you are on the right track. Traveling is one of the safest topics you can talk about in the early phases of messaging. These are the other topics that work the best:

School memories

If you have shared fun stories with her, you can text her with the excuse that you told this story about a friend, but you can't recall all the details.

Her job

If you want to apply for a similar or the same position as she is currently at, it's a great way to ask her about it.


If she has a hobby you are also interested in, or she checked in at a particular pub on her social media, you can ask her about it.

Opinion on something

If she is very good at something (i.e., she is a great cook, she makes DIY stuff), you can ask for advice on something you want to make or buy.

Be bold, if that’s the only way

If you haven’t seen her for ages, and you have nothing in common with her, also, you can’t come up with some valid excuse to text her, then you still have an option: be very bold.

If you text her confidently that you want to meet her, it will definitely raise your status and attractiveness.


Hey Katie, it’s Ryan from grammar school. It may sound crazy, but I just saw you on Instagram, and I realized that I always thought you were hot, so it’s a shame I never texted you before. So, what do you do these days? Are you still super smart?


Can it work? Hell, yes! However, if she has never considered you a potential dating partner, making bold moves may not be sufficient to make her interested enough.

Sometimes, being very bold and open about your intimate intentions doesn’t generate attraction in girls who never looked at you as a somewhat attractive guy. Although, sometimes, this attitude does wonders to women’s level of interest.

The thing is, you just don’t know if it will work or not. If you dated her or at least texted her a lot in the past, it will probably work. In other cases, chances are it doesn’t. But being bold about your intentions and failing is much better than not trying.

If you see her every day but have never talked to her in person

Most of the time, you cannot allow yourself to be publicly rejected by a girl who knows you and your friends, colleagues, schoolmates, etc., because you lose status among them. You could say “whatever,” but a rejection not only lowers your status; it also lowers your chances with other girls in this group because they don’t want to be associated with a low-status guy, they don’t want to date a player, and they don’t want to be criticized by other girls.

If you see her regularly, and you have many common friends, colleagues, schoolmates, you shouldn’t reveal your real intentions at the beginning of the conversation. 


How to text a girl you know but have never talked to?

If you see her every day, it’s quite unnecessary to introduce yourself. But still, it’s good to have an excuse to text her. Search for commonalities like mutual acquaintances, programs, schedules, projects, or events and ask her about them. 


If she is your schoolmate:

Hey Katie! I know you are in XY teacher’s class. Do you think he will be upset if I don’t write my assignment for the next lesson?


If she is your colleague:

Hey Katie! I heard you have some awesome proofreading skills, so can you help me with this wording? …

Prepare 2-3 follow-up topics

Chances are, the girl will be helpful so that you can initiate a conversation quite easily. Thinking about a few follow-up messages before you send her your first one is essential because these messages will set up the tone for the relationship. 

Ask her about other guys or girls you both know, programs, colleagues, projects, classes, or teachers, and tell her a few exciting or funny stories to make her comfortable talking to you.

If you have talked to her recently in person

The easiest situation when you text a girl you know is when she knows you personally and likes you. However, don’t waste your time figuring out what to say to her online because the longer you wait, the less attractive you become in her eyes. Confident guys don’t hesitate; they act. 


How to text a girl you know in person?

If you know her relatively well, then text her something relevant. One of the best first messages is about some callback humor or a common past or future experience. The key is to bring out positive emotions in her. 


You: Can I ask a personal question?

Her: of course

You: Do you like milkshakes?

Her: This isn’t a personal question. But yes 😀

You: I plan to make a banana-kiwi milkshake in the office, and I’d be honored if you would taste my creation.


You: I have exciting news for you!

Her: I wanna know!

You: You won’t know until Wednesday. I’ll tell you in person.


Your first message shouldn’t be super smart. It’s often enough to grab the girl’s attention, then talk about any interesting topics you want.

Text her casually, and look for obvious signs of interest. If she is very receptive, texts you a lot, sends many emojis, likes your photos, asks about you and your daily and weekly schedule, or even calls you, you can be sure that she is somewhat interested in you.

In this case, you can be a little bit more direct and ask her out.

If you don’t find any apparent sign of interest, assume she is not into you. You can still build her interest and eventually her attraction, but it may take more time and effort. If she texts you back but doesn’t seem enthusiastic about you, you have to display more value about yourself.

Displaying value

Besides visual clues, like a nice face and fit body, women are attracted to qualities associated with high status. They can be internal values, like confidence, humor, decisiveness, trustworthiness, mental strength, or leadership skills. And they can also be external values like style, wealth, assets, career, and so on. Your job is to show these qualities covertly to make her attracted to you.

Read this and this blog posts if you want to know more about being more attractive by displaying high-status values.

Transition into a more intimate relationship

After a few messages back and forth, you must establish a fun vibe between you and her because otherwise, you can end up in the friendzone if she doesn’t think you are interested in her.


Tease her to develop your power position

Teasing is basically a fun power game between you and the girl. It helps you engage her in a great conversation and position yourself as a high-status, attractive guy.

Teasing is not the same as insulting. While both have derogatory (and humorous) elements, there is a big difference: teasing is about fun for both you and her.

If you tease a woman but don’t build into your metacommunication that you like her and care for her, it can quickly come off as an insult. I always use teasing messages wrapped into compliments:

Flirt with her to increase sexual tension

Why sending flirty messages is a great way to build a deep and intimate connection with a girl? It’s because women desire to be desired. 

Women find guys physically and personally more appealing who make moves on them. These women are turned on by men who confidently make sexual advances on them.

Women are flirting addicts for the simple reason that it makes them feel sexy, and also they can vibe with guys on a more emotional level. Flirting adds a fun sexual ingredient to the interactions and sparks excitement out of women.

You can find out more information about flirting in this blog post.

Invite her for a “hangout”

When you learn how to text a girl you know, you will be able to invite her to date relatively easily. However, when I ask someone out who I know, I don’t want to use the word “date”.

Best to keep things under the radar: call it a meeting or hangout, but don’t refer to it as a date because it puts unnecessary pressure on the girl.

Plan the meeting in advance, but it shouldn’t look like a date. Grab something to eat or drink and talk about stuff, but try not to be overly romantic.

If you did everything right until this point, you don’t need tricky tactics to get her to meet you. Just text her this:

Plan the date 1 or 2 days in advance

Most girls follow an emotional train of thought instead of being logical when they are about to go out with guys. You are making them more likely to flake on you the day of your scheduled date if it’s planned too far in the future.

The long period between the invitation and the actual date allows them to overthink whether or not they want to hang out with you or if you’re even worth hanging out with.

Before you ask her to meet you, find out her schedule for the week, and for example, if she is free on Saturday, ask her out on Tuesday or Friday. It will dramatically increase the chances that she will show up on the date.


Send follow up messages after you ask her out

You must keep up the good vibe between you and her until the “hangout” because attraction is always decreasing if you don’t add fuel to it. Stay funny, playful, charming, and confident to engage her throughout the conversations. If you keep her interested, likely, she won’t cancel the meeting with you, and you can get closer to her eventually.