10 Reasons why online dating is depressing | + Solutions

Guy wondering about why online dating is depressing

Written by Ryan Cross

I know, online dating is depressing for many, maybe you are one of them. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Look, when I started online dating on Tinder, for months I have only a few matches, and who I was able to talk to suddenly stopped texting me after a few messages. Now I’m very successful in online dating, though I’m an average guy in many ways.

You can be way more successful as well, but first, you have to know the causes behind your failures.


Why is online dating depressing?


You need to identify where do you struggle in the online dating process. I gathered the most frequent problems a lot of guys face in the online dating environment. 


You don’t have enough matches

If you don’t have matches, taking better quality photos can solve it in a lot of cases. If you don’t have many matches despite the best quality photos, there are two possibilities why you still don’t match with girls:

1. Your desirability index is so low: If so, then Tinder or other dating apps don’t show your profile to almost any girl. It can be caused by that you don’t use the app as intended. If you swipe everyone to the right, or you don’t text to your existing matches, then your score is going to go down until your profile isn’t shown to anyone. Try to reset the app to find out if this is the problem. If nothing happens, then you should also focus on the second possibility.

2. You need to work on your physical attractiveness: This topic is often overlooked in personal development because sometimes it’s hard to admit our imperfections. But look at this from the other way: beautiful girls don’t have to make compromises; they can choose almost whoever they want to date, so your duty is to get the most out of your body and mind.


Follow the long-term strategy. Namely, improve your looks and lifestyle that includes new hobbies, activities. Maybe you need to work on your social life and career. I know it takes a lot of time and effort, but in the end, it’s going to worth it.


You match with girls, but they don’t respond


If girls don’t text back, obviously, you need to come up with a better opener. 99% of the openers are crap on the internet and while a lot of bloggers and “gurus” claim, they have the best openers. In reality, these first messages are almost always LAME. 

You may wonder if I have better Tinder openers…

The answer is YES! I tried hundreds of different openers throughout the years of online dating, and I found one that is way better than everything else on the internet. It isn’t a silver-bullet copy-and-paste line, but a highly effective customizable framework. I will write a long blog post about it, but until then, I share with you its foundations:


The elevator speech opener


In business, they say you need to prepare for a 2-minute speech about yourself so if you happen to be with the CEO or a manager in the elevator, you can convince them to hire you before you get out of it. The elevator speech consists of your attractive qualities wrapped up into effective psychological techniques that are able to persuade almost everyone. This is my opener. 


“Hi [Name], I’m Ryan. You seemed cute so I swiped you right. I was a professional football player, but now I’m a coach and entrepreneur and I’m the first to have a college degree in my family :)) I sing alone, it’s hard for me to wake up in the mornings and in primary school, I was the best at drawing squirrels.”


Women LOVE this opener, and it’s variations I usually use on Tinder. The best thing about this, that it’s completely customizable. Try to find your best qualities and your funniest personality traits and you’re good to go.


The talk is flattened


Don’t worry if there are conversations that flatten out. While dating online, it’s quite common that some interactions will eventually die. However, if you continually find you never get through a point in your conversations, it’s likely you either don’t bring out emotions from girls or you appear emotionally invested.

Here are the basics of great and effective conversations: 



And here are the actual texting techniques to avoid boring conversations:



You are ghosted

Women can ignore you for many things, and a lot of them are out of your control. Conversely, if the conversations start well and the girls disappear later, then their interest level drops for some reason. There are 3 reasons for this:

  • you seem too needy
  • they feel rejected
  • or you don’t generate attraction in them

There are also external reasons like she has a new job, she moves to another place, she has a boyfriend, etc. But if you are ghosted very often, then believe me: it has to do something with you. Women won’t tell you what’s wrong; in most cases, you have to figure it out.

I wrote a full guide about ghosting. You will find all the answers here.


They friendzone you

There is certainly no man in the world who has not been placed in a friendzone by women. It’s very convenient for women to put the guys in the friendzone because guys who secretly want more from a certain woman (no, it’s no secret, everyone knows you have a crush on her) are always at hand. They always there when she wants to talk about something or someone. She always gets the attention, the care, or even favors without the need to give him anything but promises.

Of course, women can also fall into the friendzone, but the other way around is more common. If you got into a friendzone, it’s your fault too.

Because women don’t happen to put real MAN (with capitals) in friendzone, they only put guys there who they don’t consider as potential partners.

If a girl puts you in the friendzone, it’s because you made some or many mistakes in the past. To be more precise, you get into FZ because she feels you are attached to her emotionally, and she doesn’t feel respect for you.

If you find yourself in the friendzone often, you should definitely express your sexual intents better, because if you don’t express it, after a while, women can’t be attracted to you. You also have to show subtly that you have other dating options and you have to work on your lifestyle to never get into the FZ anymore.


They don’t take you seriously


When women see you as “the funny guy”, the game is more or less over for you because you gave them too much entertainment but didn’t demonstrate your masculine side. There are girls who love funny men, but even though they’re having a great time with you, many won’t go out with you because you haven’t built a powerful personality in their minds.

Entertainment and masculine energy must be balanced.

If the girls are responding with funny or teasing messages to your serious texts, you have probably gone too far in the fun direction. At the beginning of the interaction, you can easily put the conversation back on the right course. Be funny but don’t overdo it.


They are always “too busy” for a date


Not everyone will go out on a date with you, but if your conversations are going well and none of the girls can meet you, then you clearly screw something up.

Mistakes may include asking her out at the wrong time, or you’re not clear about your intentions. If you look for casual sex, you should know that 90% of women won’t knock on your door right away, even if you look good.

Programs, like walking, eating, drinking somewhere but surrounded by other people, is safe for women. When my goal is sex, I never bring it up beforehand, but I’m very assertive on the date, and a lot of times, we finish in bed. If your intentions are clear and she still doesn’t agree to meet you, you simply haven’t demonstrated your attractive, successful personality.


They cancel the dates


Girls can be very creative in finding reasons not to show up on dates. It is a pity that I didn’t keep notes of this, because, on a rainy winter day, these texts would surely make me feel better.

  • They can get sick suddenly
  • Their ankle broke just before the date
  • Their dog escaped from home


Girls rely more on their intuitive, emotional self than we men do. A lot of guys – including me – stick to the original plan and go out with someone even they don’t be in a dating mood. Girls are different.

There’s basically no problem with that. Still, we need to understand that a woman with a different emotional state may no longer be the same woman we talked to previously. Attraction is continuously diminishing, so if you can’t keep her invested in you until the moment you meet her, she can easily change her mind.

Once you reached a point where she is attracted to you, you have to keep it at a high level until you date her. After you asked her out and she agreed, stay funny, playful, tell her stories, make her feel strong emotions.


They don’t text after the first date

Maybe your problem is not with the photos, your profile, or even your messaging on dating apps. Maybe you get the girls to go on the first date with you, but they disappear after, and you never hear from them again. 

Usually, girls will do this if they did not feel any chemistry on the date, or you don’t meet their expectations. 

Possible causes why women don’t text you after the first date:

  • They don’t feel chemistry: you need to be more sexual
  • They are bored: you need to bring out strong emotions from them
  • They don’t consider you physically attractive enough: you need to work on yourself
  • You are too pushy: You need to stay on women’s interest level. If she is neutral you should be neutral
  • You are too shy: practice, practice, practice. After a ton of dates, your shyness will disappear.



Everyone has to work on different parts of the online dating process. Maybe your only problem is your photos, and once you change them, every other part will work. Maybe girls don’t find the real man in you which is very common and usually, it has nothing to do with you, but with the way you present yourself.

I know a guy who is very hilarious, who is successful in real life with girls but he was struggling to talk to girls online. I looked at his conversations and I knew that he needs an effective opener. Also, we changed his behavior a bit, and from then he got a flood of women to date.

I worked years on my ebook, called The Book of Online Seduction, in which I share with my readers every method, skill, line and mindset that made me and a lot of other guys extremely successful in online dating. It’s not a 50-page manual with generic advice. It’s a 238-page book that I genuinely think can change lives. You can check this ebook out here.